Johnny Rico is out as a co-owner at the beleaguered Roughnecks.
A statement issued by management announced Rico’s immediate departure. Moving forward the club would simply be known as the Roughnecks.
During a rambling, and at times nonsensical, press conference after a devastating defeat to the single worst club in the competition’s history, coach Ritchie spoke candidly.
“To be honest I feel a bit like Voldemort after they destroyed Ravenclaw’s diadem. That was a real set back,” said Ritchie.
“Turns out having an injury prone forward line and streaming the worst possible defender option each round can backfire. Who knew?
“I hate Chad Wingard with a fiery passion. Every year I think I will cut this guy, then February rolls around and he somehow sneaks in. To be frank it tears at my soul.
Inside sources revealed the greater role Rico played in pre-season preparation, now being viewed as a failure at the midpoint of the season, played a significant role in the decision to escalate his removal.
Ritchie all but confirmed these rumblings during the post-match presser, which some commentators are now referring to as a “Michael Douglas in Falling Down” situation.
“We love Johnny. The way he killed that big bug? Who doesn’t love that?
“DO YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER!?!?! Also cool. But the relationship has run its course.
“Forcing the players to listen to the Chiefs’ club song over and over was a bizarre choice at the time, and it hasn’t aged well.
“It really did a number on Devon, for example.”
Other sources revealed on one night during the camp, Rico insisted on sneaking
into the player dorms in the middle of the night before screaming MACRAE! at
the top of his lungs.
One player, who asked not to be named, but was Chad Wingard, described this as “strange”.
“I strained my calf waking up during one of these episodes, and it really hasn’t
been the same since”
When told of his coach’s comments earlier, Wingard shrugged his shoulders. Club
medicos were unable to confirm how badly said shoulders were strained as a
result of this action, but the pea-heart is expected to miss at least 3 weeks.
Coach Ritchie was non-plussed at the prospect of another forward on the
sidelines for an extended period.
“No it’s all good we’ll just play… *checks notes*… Jack Silvagni”
“Jack is a good tryer and I’m sure he’ll put his best foot forward and you know what I can’t do this. I feel like the first guy to arrive on the scene at Chernobyl.
“There isn’t a concrete sarcophagus big enough to contain this level of radioactive mediocrity”.