In light of the recent league wide shutdowns of professional sporting codes, including the NBA, the ATP Tennis circuit and many European Soccer Leagues, as a result of the WHO declared coronavirus pandemic, the Ultimate Footy League Pandemic Response Unit (UFLPRU) have considered it prudent to publish a statement of what fantasy football is doing to combat coronavirus.
Self-proclaimed President of the UFLPRU and coach of the Defenestrators, Paul Zerna, provided an official statement on the impact of, and response to, this pandemic:
We at the UFLPRU take this situation very seriously.
In the Ultimate Footy League, we’ve already been seeing the effects of coronavirus on league coaches; with some backflipping on trade deals at the 11th hour and others selecting Will Snelling in the first round. We are working round the clock to be as prepared as we can be and are closely monitoring the AFL’s progress on this matter also.
Many ideas were considered for UFLPRU’s response, like proceeding with hosting Ultimate Footy matches even if the AFL cancelled games. While supporters may lose interest with the 0-0 score lines; if we change the system so that both sides received a win instead of a draw, we believe that would be sufficient incentive to maintain interest. We also considered assign players randomly determined scores each week, in a bit to achieve equalization across the league.
Another idea was to take extra precaution and cancel games, in spite of the AFL playing matches. We would quarantine some teams to isolate their scores from infecting other teams. Hence we would only count scores for a select few teams like Adelaide, West Coast, GWS, Geelong and *looks over player list* maybe Carlton, I’d like to see Sam Walsh score. The rest of the teams would score 0’s until the UFLPRU determines the quarantine period to be complete (which would likely be after the finals have been played). And we would definitely not select Fremantle (give that coronavirus to the 2’s where it belongs Switkowski!)
However after hours of careful deliberation, and many supporter funded consultant inquiries, the UFLPRU have decided to just do whatever the AFL does.
However this has still left supporters, players and coaches alike unsure of what they can do about the situation.
Asked if coronavirus progress updates will be a feature of the new Ultimate Footy app, coach Zerna replied that not only would this not be the case, but they will stop all progress with the development of the app, in what can only be assumed to be the result of all the developers contracting coronavirus.
Asked, without knowing precisely what the danger is, if it was time for coaches to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?” he replied “Yes, I would, Kent”.
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Following Zerna’s statement, self-appointed Vice President UFLPRU – coach Ritchie of the Roughnecks was approached for comment at their Redfern HQ.
In what has become a trademark character flaw, coach Ritchie rambled uninterrupted before the congregated journalists, answering questions nobody had posed, in what could best be described as a stream of consciousness.
‘Look what they did to my boys!’ he exclaimed, indicating toward midfielders Treloar and Taranto, sitting isolated in a pen, guarded by an obedient pig.
‘Timmy shouldn’t have rubbed his hands over all those phones and voice recording devices. He knows that. But he’s a good boy and he deserves a functioning shoulder!” he yelled, at nobody in particular, to the alarm of all present.
‘I love Castaway. WILSON! WILSONN!!! Man made me cry about a volleyball. That’s talent.
‘All this talk about not playing games, or stripping the Chiefs of their two flags, it’s all very premature. Study the options? Yes. Listen to the experts? Yes. Deport Connor Blakely? We’re not going to rule it out.
Coach Ritchie refused to answer questions about how much toilet paper he has stockpiled.